Lucky

Title: Lucky
Author:sam_cdn
Written for: shelter_diner First Time Fanfic Challenge
Pairing: Zach/Shaun
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Six months after the film's conclusion. I chose a somewhat unusual first time, I think, but hopefully you'll all enjoy it! I think that this is a first time that most of the people in this community have already experienced, so you can all imagine what Zach is going through. Wondering what it is? Read on!
Disclaimer: I do not own and did not create any of these characters. This was not created for profit.

“I can’t believe that this is your first time.”

“Yeah, I’ve kind of had a lot of firsts this past few months.”

Shaun smirked. “True. But this is actually something you might have done before.”

“Well, I didn’t. Just get over it, man.” Zach feigned annoyance in his tone, but he was grinning.

“All right, I’m over it.”

“Good.”

“Yeah, it is good.” Both men sat silently on their couch for a moment, staring each other down.

“So, are we doing this, or what?”

Shaun grinned. “Yeah, man! You just stay right there, and I’ll get us set up.” He got up from the plush, white couch, and padded around it, toward the kitchen. He got them a couple of beers from the fridge, and returned to the living room, flicking lights off as he went. He handed one beer to his partner and settled down next to him on the couch.  Zach automatically nestled himself against Shaun’s side, and Shaun’s arm automatically wrapped around him.  He held his drink between his knees, and grabbed the remote control from between the couch cushions.  He was about to press the power button, but he hesitated.  “You’re sure Cody’s down, right?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.  What, did you change your mind and we’re watching porn or something?”

“No, sorry to disappoint you, but we are doing this. There’s just a couple of scenes that, you know—”

“Yeah, I’ve heard.  He’s asleep.”

Shaun smiled.  “All right then.”  He turned on the television and DVD player and queued up the film. He was surprised at how excited he felt about this. They were only going to watch a movie together, but Shaun felt like he was giving Zach a special gift. He tried not to feel so giddy—Zach might not even like the movie, he reminded himself. But somehow, he didn’t think that was possible. He remembered how moved he had been the first time he had seen Brokeback Mountain. He had a feeling that it would be the same for Zach.

Zach, for his part, was feeling nervous. He, too, was trying to brush off the emotion. It was just a movie, right? A very good movie, from what he had heard. He remembered how a little over two years ago it had been all over the media. Tori had gone with some of her girlfriends and had come back gushing over it, saying she couldn’t stop crying afterwards. She had tried to get Zach to see it with her again, but for some reason that he couldn’t quite pinpoint, he had resisted. Maybe it was the jokes some of the guys made about it on the few occasions the film came up between them. Hey, I’ll bet those Brokeback guys ride more than their horses, if you know what I mean! Hey Neilson, you fag, bet Brokeback Mountain is your favorite movie, right? I’ll bet you want to watch it every day. Zach had even once heard one of his friends saying that Gabe’s brother had “gone all Brokeback.” So it had become more than just a film: apparently, it was a state of being as well. And he didn’t want to deal with the taunts if any of those guys found out he had seen that “gay cowboy movie.”

But the real reason, so obvious to him now, had somewhat puzzled him at the time. Whenever he thought about the movie and what people had said about it, what they said happened in it, he got a funny feeling in his stomach. It was something like being excited, nervous, happy, and terrified all at the same time. As for what some people had said happened in a scene in a tent, he couldn’t even bring himself to ponder the idea. He was afraid of what would happen if he did.

So why was he so nervous now? What did he have to be afraid of? The reason behind his apprehension about seeing the film when it first came out was clear now, and he had nothing to hide. Especially not from Shaun, of all people. He was a different person now than he was two years ago. Hell, he was a different person now than he was six months ago. So much had happened during those six months, so many things had changed, and, as he had remarked to Shaun, he had had so many firsts over this past half-year. Why was he freaking out about watching some movie?

“Hey,” Shaun said, nudging him, “I’m about to start it, and it’s better when you actually look at the screen.”

“I was looking.”

“No, you were gazing off at some point above the TV. Maybe some movies that are better when you don’t actually watch them like, oh, I don’t know, those terrible Adam Sandler movies you make me watch—”

“Hey, Billy Madison is fucking hilarious!”

“But for this movie, I do recommend actually watching the screen.”

Zach stretched up a little and bit Shaun’s earlobe. “Just start the movie, asshole.”

“Yes, boss,” Shaun said, finally hitting Play.

The movie was … well, it was an experience to watch. The first half hour did seem a bit slow to Zach, but he could figure out what was going on. And then, when IT happened, he was hooked. And somehow, he knew that it was not just because of what he had been through recently, and how he was able to relate to some aspects of the film. He hardly thought about himself at all—he was lost in the story of Jack and Ennis.

Zach and Shaun didn’t speak throughout the film. They sipped their beers and remained entranced by what they were seeing. When the cowboys spent their second night in the tent together, Shaun tightened his grip around Zach, silently passing the simple message he wanted to convey. He could feel his lover’s body tensing and relaxing at various points throughout the film. He was happy that he got to be with Zach as he experienced this for the first time, that he got to see how the movie affected him. It still affected him as well, and he was just as caught up in the story as Zach was.

When the credits began to roll, Zach’s face was covered in tears. He had known already what was going to happen, but it didn’t soften the blow when he saw it on film. He used the sleeve of his sweatshirt to wipe his eyes. “Shit,” he said, “look at me, crying over a movie.”

Shaun gave him a squeeze. “Babe, look at me. It’s probably my twelfth time seeing this movie, and it still makes me cry.”

Zach turned his head to look at him. “Wow, you’re right, you are a bigger loser.”

“Hey,” Shaun said, gently punching his arm. “So, really, what did you think?”

“Well, it was … you know, like you said. Amazing. And sad. And … I don’t know. I think I still need to get my head around some stuff.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. What do you say we get ourselves to bed?”

“Sounds good.”

They got off the couch, turned off the TV, and went about their nighttime routine silently: turning lights out, locking doors, washing up, brushing teeth, checking on Cody, stripping, and getting under the covers. They turned their bedside lamps off right away, and settled into each other’s arms.

“You’re not going to write tonight?” Zach asked.

“Nah, I’m not really up to it.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty tired.”

They lay silently for a few minutes, Zach tracing lazy circles on Shaun’s back, Shaun running his fingers along Zach’s arm.

“Shaun?”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Shaun chuckled. “The movie does tend to have that kind of affect. Two years later, I’m still not done thinking about it.”

“It’s just, I mean, it’s sad, obviously. It’s always sad when a main character dies in a movie, but … it’s just, the lives they led, and the lives they could have led. After all the precautions they took, after all of Ennis’s fear, the worst still happened. And then, just seeing him alone in that trailer, and thinking of how Jack died, it’s just so—so lonely. And just such a waste. Shit.”

Shaun sighed and gave him a squeeze. “Yeah, I know.”

A moment trickled by. Someone walked across the room in the apartment above them; a car drove by on the street below them. Zach thought about how nervous he had been about watching this movie tonight. He realized that it was not so different from how he felt about seeing the movie when it first came out. He had feared that in watching this film, something about himself that he didn’t want to divulge would be revealed to himself, and possibly to the people around him. And in a way, that hadn’t changed: the fact that he was gay was no secret anymore, especially not from Shaun. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t still hide some parts of himself. When it came to how he really felt about things like his lonely childhood, Jeanne and what she had put him through, his practically non-existent, but ever-present father, and the loss of his mother, he was reticent to reveal too much. And there was Shaun as well: after everything, there were still truths about their relationship that he tried not to bring too close to the surface for fear that it would change things, and complicate them. But one thing was very clear about this film, and that was how disastrous the affects of suppressing the truth about one’s self could be.

“It makes me think of us, too,” Zach said, breaking their silence.

“Yeah?”

“We’re really lucky, aren’t we? I mean, I had my fears and my doubts, but after a while, things just clicked, and I knew what I should do, who I should be with. It wasn’t easy, and there some moments when I was really close to going the other way, but … well, it worked out in the end, didn’t it?”

“That it did.”

“But if it were a different time or place, things would probably be really different. Living like we do, just … you know, out in the open and everything? It scares me sometimes, but most of the time … most of the time I’m proud. I’m proud of what I’ve got, and of my family. We’re really lucky, aren’t we?”

Shaun rolled himself and Zach over so that he leaned over Zach, lying on his back. “We most certainly are.” He kissed Zach. “And just so you know, I’m proud too.”

“Yeah?”

“Hell, yeah. Now, speaking of lucky, I was hoping I might, you know, get lucky …”

“Oh yeah? Gee, I don’t know. I’m pretty tired.”

Shaun moved his lips down Zach’s neck, moving to the spot he knew would wake Zach up just right. “Let’s see if I can do something about that.”

And so, they melted into each other, stroking, moving, touching, and kissing. None of this was new anymore, but the passion hadn’t diminished in the least. Shaun had been with men before, but the connection was nothing compared to what he had with Zach. And it made everything they did, from washing the dishes, to sex (well, especially sex) an exciting experience. It seemed that in every action they performed together, they were expressing their love. Yes, they were lucky indeed.

Twenty minutes in, Shaun lay on his back, opening himself up, gazing up in wonder at the man he loved. When Zach was ready, about to push into his lover, to join them and bring them as close as they would ever be to becoming one, he leaned down, and kissed the lips below his. “Shaun,” he said, “I swear … I will always be proud of us.”

And then, there was no more talking.

~END~